Up until recently my husband rarely saw me cry. Its not that I didn't want to cry, I was just raised in a home where my father would put me down or beat me for crying or showing any type of emotion that wasn't happy. This left me with the inability to cry in front of people and I would sometimes appear aloof. When things or people would hurt my heart and make me want to cry I would normally wait till I'm in the shower when no one can hear me and bawl my eyes out. Over a year ago I decided to start going to trauma counseling. I knew I needed this for awhile, especially because of my past. Im a big advocate for anyone regardless of your past to go to counseling. I always thought my past wasn't "as bad as others" it wasn't "as bad as the children I worked with in third world countries" I didn't "sleep in the garbage slums" and I "drank clean water". On one of my missions trips to Egypt we worked with the children who lived in the garbage slums and stayed with them for almost two weeks. I realized, I have so much in common with these girls. When I was with them my heart started to weep, then I started to hug them and they would hug me back and we would cry. We barely understood each others language, but they knew and I knew, we were the same, we had similar wounded hearts and similar pasts. We hugged and we cried.
Slowly by going through counseling and actually allowing myself to heal from the trauma of the awful things my father and mother did to me. I noticed my heart was starting to change. It was like I was telling the little Jessica that was hiding, that stuffed her feelings, that wore a brave face and wouldn't cry when her father beat her. I was telling her "Jessica its okay to cry".
Then the floodgates opened up. I now cry at everything! Every Hallmark commercial, every rainbow in the sky, when ever I see someone wearing one of my hats, when I get a text or email from one of my friends or even my sons smile, I cry at everything. My husband was sitting next to me tonight as I was watching the bachelorette and I started to cry when Emily saw Dolly Parton! I don't even know why I started to cry, but instead of stuffing it I allowed my heart to be so happy for this girl I didn't even know on TV and I shed tears of joy that she was able to meet Dolly Parton. I now cry over the silliest things.
Crying is a daily occurrence at this household, and you know its quite healing.
Just like the spring rains soften and brings life from the earth. You O'Lord have soften my heart with tears and have flourished a garden of joy in my heart.
I now have a joyful, sappy and occasionally sad weeping heart. Its a heart that was always mine, it was just hidden for awhile, but now that I am allowed to cry I will cry tears of empathy or joy with anyone. Its a heart that freely weeps over all.
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