I'll be honest, if you read back on my journals you will see that I am depressed the week of my birthday. I actually used to call this week my suicide prevention week. Each day leading up to my birthday I would get more and more depressed and afterwards I would make some really bad decisions in my life. I absolutely hate my birthday because I hated the day I was born. Growing up my parents always forgot my birthday so as a child I felt that I wasn't significant enough to be celebrated, that my life wasn't important and that I shouldn't have been born. As a young adult when people would bring up my birthday I would feel a sharp pain in my heart and would have to bite the inside of my cheeks so I wouldn't cry in front of them. I hated my birthday and I hated to be reminded that I was forgotten and alone.
My husband doesn't understand this. He grew up in a very different home than I did and his mother makes sure everyone is celebrated on the day that they were born. I love this about her and I want to make sure that Judah is celebrated each year if not day of his life. So yesterday for the first time I allowed my in laws to celebrate me. Honestly I felt sick to my stomach before hand. I didn't know what to expect but I trust that the Lord intends for good in my life and I trust my new family.
The Lord gave me the greatest gift yesterday, the gift of being able to enjoy my family and to accept the love they have for me. He gave me the gift of friendship, quality time, laughter and joy.
At the end of the day, I wasn't sad or depressed like I have been in the past. I felt this sweet peace of belonging and being loved and accepted by my family who wanted to celebrate me.
You speak my name
no longer numb
not the same
a swelling glimmer
clothed in white
written by Jessica West Judkins
I am grateful that I will no longer look upon my birthday week full of dread, wondering if my dad or mom will give me a call (they didn't call me yesterday). I no longer have to live my life numb to this world, fearful that someone may hurt my heart. Instead the Lord wants my heart to be open to the wonderful blessings he has in store for me and one of the blessings is an amazing family who wants to be part of my life.
I am forever changed.